| i dont know |
[28 Dec 2004|11:37pm] |
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from autumn to ashes |
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i havent written in a pretty long time. i went to vegas with my mom and bro for a few days in the beginning of break. so far, break has been really lame. im super bored off my ass... i wish i could drive. when i have a car things will be so much different. ahh cant wait. all i do these days is hang out with ele... well i love her so its all good.
FUCK fuck im so confused. i just dont kno what to do anymore. how many fucking times have i sed that? fuck it... fuck it and let go.
this entry was pointless. fuck lj.
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(3 | Who calls out my name?
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| sick tub tub |
[07 Dec 2004|09:12pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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the beatles |
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so steven decided that my new name is tub tub. haha cute. i'm sick... its no fun at all. i stayed home yesterday and that was really boring so i came to school today but now i think that was a bad idea. i'm in photo class right now. bored... really bored. i brought my huge bottle of red powerade and a box of kleenex and tylenol and cough drops... its keeping me alive haha. maybe ill stay home tomorrow. mellisa was definately right in her last post. everyone has a boy right now. i mean, im okay with being alone right now but its just weird. steven makes me so happy... i just cant help but think about how close i was to actually losing him completely. he's the one person that i feel cloesest to in my life. i cant believe i made such i big mistake... what was i thinking? man, that was so stupid. but i finally realized that i gave up something so amazing for a man whore who doesnt give a shit about who he fucks, as long as it has a vagina. fuckin shit. my once-a-week-streak with good 'ol mary jane is goin strong haha. i can see myself getting way into it tho so i gotta be careful. i've decided that its so much better than drinking so yea.
December nights went good. friday night was awesome. but then saturday night it rained so we only did one and a half shows and then we went home. i went with ele even tho im sick and we walked a mile and a half in the poring rain to henry's car. thats probly why im still sick. oh well.
...i need a hug
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(4 | Who calls out my name?
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| aww |
[03 Dec 2004|02:57pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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this is funny cuz me and steven whisper sweet nothings in eachothers ears... like litterally. we whisper "sweet nothings." haha
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(Who calls out my name?
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| yes, go me! |
[30 Nov 2004|03:50pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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avenged sevenfold |
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i developed a roll today in photo... so, i put my canister down on a table and this other guy puts his next to mine... so then he grabbed my can and i got his and when i was done i looked at the film and i almost pissed myself. they werent ny pics. so i freaked out and told him that i had his pics and i needed mine and i was worried cuz those pics were really really good. but it turns out that they were fine. *whew*. so yea, they are super awesome and im proud of him for not fucking them up.
today was TOO FUCKING COLD. in fact, im still cold and ill probly be cold for the rest of the day. shit.
steven is awesome. damn it, i love that guy. things between us are really good and i'm really happy about that :) <-- see the happiness.
i have dance tonight. its just rehersal for december nights though so not too much work. im only in one dance haha. thats what i get for being new. oh well, its a tight dance so its okay. its gonna take up my thursday night (rehersal), friday night, and saturday all day. we have four shows a night and a rec show in the morning on saturday. jeesh.
my A's in chem and math have dropped to B's... psh, fuck school.
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(3 | Who calls out my name?
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| damn potheads... gotta love em |
[27 Nov 2004|01:01pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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Him - the sacrament |
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tofurkey day was okay. my mom has been sick like all weekend cuz of her damn little kids in her classes. and plus waiting for her car to get done hasnt helped the situation... but its done now so, whew. i went to stevens house on wednesday after school and did fun stuff. and then i went again yesterday. i love going to his house, its always chill. his mom had to bring alyssa to work so we were left to watch his cousin's kid for a while. having a baby is like a game, you have to constantly guess whats wrong with them. steven was good at it though, it was cute. i like how we are right now... really good friends. its a good thing. max was at his house yesterday too, gotta love that guy. i dunno what im gonna do today... im really bored. i gotta take pictures for photo and make up a dance for robinson. damnnn ittt. i hate making up shit. i really really really wanna go to the Him show on monday. really bad. i got my new years eve show ticket, that should be fun.
i've been thinking about it lately and im just really not feelin the whole party thing this year so far. like one or two is okay but its not gonna get all crazy like last year. i like drinking and having fun but you can have fun with just a few people too. i just went wayyyy overboard last year/summer. got a little crazy. wont happen again.
im gonna go figure out what to do today.
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(Who calls out my name?
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| i know its hurting you, but its killing me |
[23 Nov 2004|08:13pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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avenged sevenfold |
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i havent updated in a while...
the past couple of weeks have been strange. i'm happy though. i'm truly happy with everything that is going on in my life right now. i've learned and grown a lot. i see now that everything cant always be how i want it to be. ive realized, with much help, that i have to be happy for myself. i cant change me for anyone else but myself. i say i've moved on, but i kno that i would still do anything to be with him again. but things happen for a reason, and whatever happens, just happens so i have to be happy with it. and i am. i kno that ive made some really horrible mistakes and ive learned from them in ways that have changed my life. i just wish that i knew then what i kno now.
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(2 | Who calls out my name?
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[11 Nov 2004|08:24pm] |
yes!!! i finally got my belly button pierced today! i just randomly asked my mom about it this mornig and she sed she'd think about it which almost always means no. so then i asked what we were doing today and she says 'oh we're going to get ur belly button pierced' WOOOPIEEEE! haha it was so cool. man i wanna do it again. mmm kinda. anyways, i went to the same guy that does all of sarah's piercings. he was all tatted up and had stretched every hole he has on his body. and he was smoking a fat joint before he came in and did it! lol. my mom was trippin out on him. it was great. so yea, it bled a little and uh didnt really hurt. i'm running out of things to put holes in haha.
*Lila Bee*
P.S. i love you jill ...again... YOU ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD!
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(1 | Who calls out my name?
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| aight now lose it.... AH AH AH AH AH! |
[11 Nov 2004|09:03am] |
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mood |
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the used |
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four day weekend. yea boy. i need to take pics this weekend cuz i have a roll due on monday. i was supposed to go to steven's house today but, i will tomorrow. nothing too exciting has happened lately. i got busted and couldnt go online for a week but thats over now... haha obviously. me and jill have so much fun in math... we're silly. i love you jill! i found out that i get to do this show Bravo, i'm only in one dance but still... its the bomb diggity. and then the after party will be fun too. mr. robinson took me and this other girl into his office on tuesday and told us that he can tell that we really love dancing and we show a lot of feeling when we dance so he wants us to keep doing our best to make this year the best in case he only has this one year to work with us. yea, he likes us. i'm so happy tho. coming from him, this is great cuz he makes fun of pretty much everyone else in the class cuz they suck. haha. i talked to kenny the other night. him and anthony come back from afghanastan, stay for a month or two and then leave to iraq. it sucks. aaannnnd... i'm done.
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(4 | Who calls out my name?
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| what... huh?!.....me?.....REALLY!? |
[29 Oct 2004|03:56pm] |
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mood |
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atreyu - suicide notes and butterfly kisses |
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ahem... WHO GOT STRAIGHT A's? huh huh... lila did! yea thats right. haha except for dance but still... that doesnt count :) im so excited! i get my belly button pierced finally. woop woop. ok thats all for now.
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(8 | Who calls out my name?
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[26 Oct 2004|03:48pm] |
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mood |
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avenged sevenfold |
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Please take my heart, I won't need it anyway, it only takes up space. So rip away these memories, they take me to a place where I am loved and always warm.They feed the pain.Try to, with all your might, to remember happiness, he's with me in my dreams when i'm asleep,I hold him close, and everything's ok. I wish he would just take me now.....Well maybe, i should try and find another....but here it comes again.I see his eyes, i feel his skin.Take me back, back in time, take me to the places i have known, shall know me no more.Take me in your arms and never let me know the pain that comes, when you're all alone.
i want him to hold me. tell me that everything will be okay. i wish i knew the answers to all these questions that i ask myself everyday. i wish i knew what he wants. does he even kno what he wants? i just have to be patient and maybe someday i'll kno the answers to the questions and my wishes will come true. oh i hope so...
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(Who calls out my name?
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| what i'd do to get through to you. all i want to hear is your voice |
[23 Oct 2004|11:56am] |
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depressed |
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i dunno whos going to read this but... im thinking of making it locked... whatever.
i will never go a day in my life without thinking about the one huge mistake i made. it's like a sickness that will be with me forever, but it keeps me human... makes me feel. i love, cry, laugh, everyday just thinking of him and itll never let me go. the guilt kills me the most. the fact that he loved me once and i let that go so stupidly just breaks my heart into a million little pieces. i ask myself everyday... what the fuck was i thinking? why did i let myself think that i could break his heart and that everything would just be okay again? and it drives me crazy because i cant find a reason for doing any of those things. all those times over the summer that i would cry over it and still had the chance to make things right, why didnt i? so many memories haunt me because i kno that i couldve still had him but i let him go. if i had one wish in the world... it would be for him to just know how i feel... maybe he does. i dont know. i would just go back and change everything that i did. every stupid decision i made when i wasnt thinking of the consequence. so many things would be different right now if only i could go back. but i cant and i have to live with that everyday. i hate it. i hate knowing what i did to him and knowing that i'll never be able to call him mine ever again, but that if i had just thought about what i was doing when i let him go, maybe he would still be mine. and that alone is enough to kill me everyday. i mean, i love being his friend and talking to him... believe me, if i didnt have that it would make things worse. i have to be thankful for what i have since i fucked up everything else. i kno that if i told him all of this it would probly just be exactly what he doesnt want to hear. thats why i'll just have to live with it. my only wish for him is that he is happy. that he finds that one person that he needs, loves, and can spend his life with, and never lets her go. that he thinks everything through and never makes the same mistake as i did.
theres nothing left to say, i just hope i dont spend my life wondering, what if?
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(7 | Who calls out my name?
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| ill never be the same |
[11 Oct 2004|07:10pm] |
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 nervous |
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i've never known someone who had to live each day knowing that they could die in a couple weeks. we went to our interviews, they went pretty well. we decided to just go even see if anthony and kenny were here... sure enough. the eclipse was park in the same exact spot as the night before. i called kenny and then walked to jbx to chill with them. we ended up going back to anthonys aunts hotel and kenny swam in the pool. we went to sunset cliffs with them and just sat and talked. soooo amazing. we went back to belmont and got picked up by her mom. i spent the nite at her house and they came over for a couple hours. we went and sat up at the billboard and just did more talking. they had to leave so that we wouldnt get caught. we planned to see eachother today.
this morning, woke up... went to 711 and got energy drinks. yummy. got to school and waited for the day to go by so that we could see them again. eventually it came and they came and got us... oh this week has been one of the best of my life. to just meet someone and bond so well with them... feel so comfortable, its just amazing. i got home about an hour ago. seven months... seven months and who knows whats going to happen to them over there. ill be counting down the days.
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(2 | Who calls out my name?
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| i am the blink 182 master! |
[10 Oct 2004|11:57am] |
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excited |
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music |
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the used |
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friday - i was supposed to go to eles house after school to do my shoot for photo but her dad said no so... that didnt happen. i was in a bad mood after that so i just watched tv and wished that i was anywhere but home. i didnt go to stevens party becuz he straight up told me i couldnt go. haha i understand tho, no biggie. but everyone that did go seemed to have a lot of fun so yea. i was bored so i just went to bed.
yesterday - woke up, called ele to see if i could still go over there and take pics of her and nat but i couldnt spent the night again so my mom didnt wanna drive me and then pick me up again. i was bummed again so i called yazra to see what she was doing for her pics. we ended up going to bel mont park to do the shoot and to just have fun times. we took all our pics la la la and mexican guys kept hitting on us and asking if we were legal haha. shannon came later and chilled with us. when we were looking for a place to eat, these guys walked by us and just stared. so we went back and just started talking to them. anthony and jesse. they had beer and were from texas and they're staying til tuesday on a boat. we probly wouldve gotten drunk with them but we got their number cuz we're going back down there today. so we ate and these other people from texas came up to us on a corner and asked us if we thought that a guy was gay if he knew the colors fuchsia or lavander. haha he worked at abercrombie so we just said that he was metro sexual. they had no clue what that was hahaha. damn texans. we walked around more on the boardwalk by canes and some guy said hi to us... we said hi back and he was really hot so we went back to chat with him and his friend. we ended up talking for a really long time (their names were anthony and kenny), and we went with them to one of the guys aunts hotel to get his motorcycle and went riding with them. ahhhhh so much fun! i went with kenny and he did a little mini pop... ahhhhhh i almost died. and then he took his hands of the bars and stood up... sooo awesome. by the way, they were both 19. my mom was really late picking us up so we just sat in anthonys car and listened to 93.3 and waited for "their song" to come on. they put on blink 182 and i beat kenny at singing all the songs... i am the master. he drew a little bunny rabbit on my palm and its so cute! hahaha and yazra got a liger lol. we got kennys number cuz they actually live here and then went home. my mom came and picked us up in a brand new 2004 honda crv. thats why she was so late haha. shes crazy. got home, went to bed.
im supposed to call yazra right now to go back to bel mont park for our job interveiws. yeah boy... they hire on the spot so i hope we get the jobs.
<3 Lila
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(Who calls out my name?
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| it takes my breath away... how you took my breath away |
[04 Oct 2004|03:34pm] |
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ecstatic |
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atreyu - nevada's grace |
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*sigh* everthing is so great! oh im so happy. steven started talking to me again on friday :) i hope he even realizes how happy it makes me just to have things okay between us, i mean, it's just not right for any of the seventh grade homies not talking. seriously, im so happy, just kno that. i had so much fun with natawee, roy, sklele, and steven on friday. we went out to eat at Buca Di Bepo... yummmmmmy their food makes my tummy happy hehe. on saturday night i went to the saosin show and like half on flippin scpa was there. it was funny. yep, saw alyssa, flipped her off, out of love. i talked to alex too which was nice cuz i haven't talked to him since like june. the show itself was fun... I GOT MY COHEED TICKET!!! ahhhhh! i'm so excited and it's more than a month away. OH WELL IM STILL EXCITED! and... ATREYU IS GONNA BE HERE IN 13 DAYS... 13 DAYS! ahhhh. i cant think about it, i'll get too excited :) i went to old town yesterday with yazra butt and shannon and danny. it was super cool... i felt like i was in fourth grade again haha. yea took pictures for photo and shizznat. gotta go get them today and other pics from summer, they're really old my mom just never developed them. grrrrr. ATREYU... sl;falskdjfa;lksjf
<3 Lila Bee
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(Who calls out my name?
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| long time no write |
[27 Sep 2004|11:29am] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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Hawthorne Heights - Niki FM |
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this weekend was pretty good. i spent it all with ele of course. i finally got my camera for photo class last week, it's so cool! i love it. i was gonna go with yazra and sam to do the old town shoot on saturday but sam didnt wanna go so, next weekend. on friday i went to ele's house and spent the night, liz came over too, and tania later. liz left with tania so then it was just me and my sklele. i left on saturday and then went back to ele's that night with cailene. we went to the square and saw the forgotten. ashsdfjhafj it was so good! i saw jill and kelsey first and they saw the same movie as us so that was fun. and then after the movie i saw roxy! ahh too many company people haha. oh yea and before the movie we chilled with some of cailene's friends in front of the theatre. they smoked a lot bleh. ahh itch itch, i got bitten a lot on friday in ele's back yard grrrrrrrr. so anyways, then we came back to eles house and we were bored so we called the guys again and told them to come over. so they did and we went for a walk at 11:00 around the neighborhood. when we were walking back, we saw this lady stumbling all over the side walk and she was really drunk so we helped her get home and it took like an hour and a half. she was 29 and she was out partying and getting lost... we felt really bad, that's no way to be living at age 29. so we went back to eles and slept. yesterday, me and ele got payed to help clean and serve at this party for 3 hours. it was okay. at least we got payed. there were a bunch of old people and grad students drinking wine and beer and shmoozing haha. now im at home, supposed to be at school but, i felt like poo when i woke up so i stayed home. i'm eatting animal crackers, yummy. today is natawee birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATAWEE!!! she probly wont see this but I LOVE YOU ANYWAYS. yay 15. i need to get her a present. hmmmmmm. what shall it be... i dunno.
<3 LiLa bEe <3
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(10 | Who calls out my name?
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| so unaffectionate, so insecure |
[15 Sep 2004|03:52pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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i feel so weird lately. like something just isnt right. i dunno, i think im just going crazy and thinking to much... or not thinking enough. whatever, fuck it. fuck everything. all the effort that i make, and how much i fucking care about everyone. they dont care anyways. and im just fucking sick of it. im tired of caring so much and having hardly any energy to work on my own problems. and to see that the people that i care about the most dont even care about themselves enough to try to fix things, im just done. i thought i would never get over this. and i could have been right if he realized how much i care, but no. i dont kno him anymore. i cant love some one that i dont even kno. i thought i knew him so well. i really dont want to give up. i hate it. but i didnt take the easy way out. he doesnt even want to try so whats the fucking point. just fuck everything... fuck this drama bullshit, im done. i guess i've learned yet another lesson the hard way... stop caring for the ones you love when they dont even care about you.
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(4 | Who calls out my name?
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| ill never eat another onion |
[07 Sep 2004|03:58pm] |
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ok gotta tell the story behind the onion. ok so ele came over for dinner last night and marsi's dad was still here and i was cuting an onion. marsi's dad dared me to eat three big ass chunks of it for 20 bucks... so i did it. OMG IT WAS FUCKING GROSS AS HELL. i thought i was gonna throw up, seriously, but i didnt. haha ew. i dont really wanna eat onions ever again now. lol ok i'm done
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(5 | Who calls out my name?
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| whoa man |
[07 Sep 2004|03:46pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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coheed |
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well, school was pretty cool, except for the hotness all day. SKIRT TOMORROW. my brother was a loner, sucks for him. yea, after trying to talk to steven all day, i think im just gonna let it go. my feelings won't change about him, but i kno that he needs time. so, no being a pathetic little girl following a boy around. i got my perfect schedule, nothing wrong at all. yes i love it. i was gonna change my photography class to spanish 5-6, but i went to photo and i was like, fuck that shit homie. i think the photo will be fun. if i really wanna i'll take spanish next year... or not.
dude, my mouth tasted like onions until third period... fucking discusting. i went to bed at like 10 last nite and i woke up at 11:45 and couldn't sleep again 'til 1:30... what the hell is that? it sucked ass. and my hair looked like shit today. ok well that was my day.
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(Who calls out my name?
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